Race on Earth – The New Normal?

 

As a child I grew up thinking the world was a wonderful place.  As I aged and matured I have realized that there is much beauty in it but much evil as well.  Last night as I was falling asleep the news of the day ran through my mind and I thought of the times as a school girl I was asked by a social studies teacher to bring in a “current event” article from the newspaper. Could our children even do that these days or are the top stories too intense for an elementary student to embrace? An American beheading in the midst of the unrest in the Middle East, racial tension and riots in Missouri over yet another race motivated murder and an outbreak of Ebola in Africa killing hundreds……these things have become our new normal and yet when I read the details of each they eerily remind me of a story I read once before.  The story in the book of Revelation about the end of time.

As I lay still and silent in bed last night lost in thought over each incident I found myself thanking God for his grace in planting my family in America many decades ago. I thought of all the reasons I was grateful. You see unlike many living in Middle Eastern countries I feel safe here. Tucked away in suburbia this country affords me a certain level of comfort. I don’t worry about bombs blowing up my neighborhood or my child’s school. I don’t worry about infants dying as pawns in adult warfare. I don’t worry about being killed because of my religion, and as I thought of those things I thought about the bickering many of us do daily. With James Foley on my mind I thought WE Americans should be grateful…..WE should…this man was held captive for two years and beheaded. Can you imagine? And then I remember…As a young white early 30’s American female I am thankful for those things because in my life those things are true. Living in a world that does not provide those things seems scary and unconscionable….but then it hit me…does a young black early 30’s American male feel the same…or is my unconscionable life his reality.

 

True no American really has to worry about bombs blowing up our neighborhood but what about bullets? True our children will not be used as leverage and murdered as an act of warfare but what about profiled, gun down and murdered for no apparent reason. Do these acts not trigger the same state of emergency? Racial tensions have plagued the United States since its inception and these tensions seem to be an unrelenting and never-ending point of contention among our own people. We just can’t seem to get passed it. While strides have been made it seems as though we take 10 steps forward and then 4 steps backward.

How does a country whose existence began based upon a racial divide resolve that? Can it? Was this county fated to fail the very day it began because of a built-in design flaw? Can you “edit” the past with changes in the future?

I’ll tell you a little about myself…..I was raised in a suburb of Houston that was a melting pot of race and culture. As the neighborhood aged, the demographics changed drastically. The community was one where white people were the minority. I have lived and grown up immersed in other cultures and do you know what happens when people do that? You learn things about each other and you begin to understand people at the root of their existence. You are able to empathize not sympathize. You don’t co-exist you simply exist. I believe whole heartedly racism is a learned trait, not one you are born with. I know that is true because I have witnessed a community without race barriers.

Growing up white in neighborhood that was anything but white also gave me a dose of reality. The world is not built the way my neighborhood was. I remember being 18 years old in line at college orientation and overhearing the Caucasian girl in front of me say “There’s a lot of Black people here. I have never met a Black person.” My world changed in that moment. I didn’t even know how that was possible but knew instantaneously my upbringing was a gift. Perceiving the world without race as a defining characteristic and viewing people as though a skin color does not mean the person embodies each stereotypical characteristic society has attached to it, is a priceless blessing. An idea we should all seek to acquire and embrace for the sake of the next generation.

The evolving world that my children will inherit definitely concerns me and at times brings me to tears. When the world sees me they see white. When they see my flesh and blood daughter they see black. No one takes in to account how either of us were raised, where we live, which language we speak. It reminds me of how the anti-American terrorists in the Middle East see us. They see American and not American. How is the idea alarming there but not at home? The world sees in color. Can my children walk down the street in peace? What if yours couldn’t?

As I fell asleep, wiping tears from my eyes, I ended with prayer. Prayer for the Middle East. Prayer for the parents of James Foley and Michael Brown. Prayers for my children and all yours….it was not a great week for human kind. We as human beings have to do better or we will not make it.

On that note and as always I will be attending church this weekend if anyone would like to join me to hear the word of God. With so much death in the air it is imperative we ensure our salvation. All are invited to join. Christian, non-Christian, curious or bored….consider yourself invited.

And for tonight…..those are my inside thoughts.

A Lesson in Faith

Life is full of ups and downs.  All of which serve a purpose.  Dark days filled with disappointment, pain and heartache prepare you for the bright days.  They allow you to understand the depth and significance of joyous times without taking them for granted.  One cannot understand happiness without understanding sadness. I find myself in sad times repeating the right thing to say over and over. “Trust God…” “Trust God…” “Trust God…” .  But sometimes I struggle with believing my own words.  That is when being a faithful servant to the lord becomes much more difficult.

Today I realized the harsh truth that I am not the best Christian I can be. I am far from faithful and I am still learning daily and trying to understand that my life belongs to God.  It does now as it always has. No matter what I want in life or how hard I want it…God is the decider.  Recently I have been learning to back down from my own wants and I am beginning to understand that this story….the story of my life that is….. has already been written.  Cover to cover, the book is done.  I am merely walking through the pages living the tale God has written for me.  And I should do so FAITHFULLY and not DOUBTFULLY.  For some reason….this has been a struggle for me lately. 

I guess as I approach 32 I am feeling the pressures of life.  Pressure to be married, pressure to have more kids and pressure to just do more more more.  I have always been really good about dismissing what others think about me and not conforming to social norms.  I have done a lot on my own and not the way others would think is “acceptable,” yet I have never cared much. So why it is that I have allowed worldly pressures to get to me and impact the way I feel about my own life now…I don’t know. 

I was reminded today about faithfulness and shown the truth about my life. 

My life is full…..it truly is.  I have been given what many dream of.  I have what some people pray about endlessly.  God has entrusted me with much and lately I have not been grateful and for this I feel……Unfaithful.   I have acted as though everything I have been given isn’t enough.  I’ve acted as though I deserve more. I have selfishly prayed for more and had feelings of resentment towards others.  I have cried for myself and for the dreams I want to obtain dismissing the dreams I have already accomplished. 

Sometimes it takes witnessing another’s struggle to realize how amazingly blessed you are.  To see how much you have and to see that it IS enough.  ALWAYS. Everything I have is beyond enough. I see that now.   I went to school with a woman who has been fighting infertility for years.  Her story is incredible and she has been through many heartbreaks and also some happy days, but it has been a difficult journey.  I look at her and the relentless faith she has in God and I feel selfish.  I feel unfaithful.  For a while now I’ve been outwardly happy but inwardly I’ve been anxious and I’ve been down. Not all the time.  For the most part I am happy with the world, but at night….you know the moments right before I close my eyes, I let the worldly pressures in and  I begin to wonder if I will have a family, if I will have another child and good Lord will I EVER be married…lol (a thought I likely share with my parents). I have been praying about this a lot and today I received my answer through my former school mate.

The truth is,  I am faithless and ungrateful.  My story is already written.  I need to Trust in it and  believe in it.  I shouldn’t worry about the world because God has written my book and there might be a marriage chapter and there might be a baby chapter but there might not. Either way….IT IS OK.  It is God’s story for me.  The one HE wrote for me.  If those chapters are in there I cannot skip the pages or re-write the book to get to them on my time.  I have to walk my journey FAITHFULLY and get to those pages on Gods time.  And if those pages are not in there I should  not be upset.  I have already been given a child, a man, a career, a family….I have already been given EVERYTHING.  I have nothing to be upset about.

I watch my friend struggle through infertility and adoption and I feel blessed.  I was given a child without struggle, without want and even without warning.  GIVEN the greatest gift in life.  She is mine…I am hers. When her heart beats, mine feels it.  When her heart hurts, mine feels it.  We are connected. The LORD gave her to me and how dare I think for one second that she is not enough for me in this life.  Others are working so hard to have that. Having her is enough.

I also failed to see what has been right in front of my face.  I have wanted another child for  almost 4 years now and I have prayed for one.  God gave me one and it went completely unacknowledged.  I have been ungrateful for it.  My amazing boyfriend has a son. They both came into my life two years ago.   I suppose in my selfishness I have been so focused on physically bearing a child that I glanced over the gift God has given me in this child.  He is truly amazing. I love him so much and would do anything for him just as I would my daughter.  For a while now I have considered both my boyfriend and his son as part my family and always include his son when people ask me if I have kids. So why I totally glanced over him coming into my life as being an answer to my prayer for another child I don’t know.  I kept thinking the answer to my prayer was No because I have not physically had a child, when in fact it was yes all along, I was just looking at it all wrong. Does it get any more selfish than that?  He truly works in mysterious ways.   

                Lastly, I feel like I have taken my incredible boyfriend for granted.  He too is a gift from GOD for me. He surpasses every standard I have ever had and constantly encourages me to be a better person.   His family has embraced my daughter and I and I feel like they are mine also.  He was made for me and it might sound crazy but I knew it on some subconscious level the second I ran in to him.  We met years and years ago in college, but a couple years ago I ran into him at a birthday party.  We talked briefly but something felt so familiar, almost as though we fit together like puzzle pieces.  He was mine and I knew it.  [He’ll tell you I’m crazy though ;-) ]. I knew while on our first date I was going to marry him and I still know that to this day.  I think I get so caught up in what the world expects and what the world’s acceptable timeframes are that I forget that feeling God gave me when I met him.  I KNOW he is for me. God has made it clear  and it will play out in Gods time.  Not mine. I have been so caught up in earthly expectations lately I have not been a faithful servant to the Lord and I have doubted the future.   

My book may have 2 pages left…..it may have 200.  I need to remember that and walk my path faithfully NO MATTER WHAT.  I want to thank Alaina Mayes so much for living her life out loud through her blog. Her story and her faith is a testimony that is bringing countless people closer to God.  She is one of the strongest women I know…..and I know some amazingly strong women.  

I miss writing. I miss my blog. I miss the expression. I’m glad I’m back JThanks for reading.  I hope some of you can relate to how I’ve been feeling.  This world can be a rough place.

And those are my inside thoughts….

A Life Lost in Vain: The George Zimmerman Verdict

Yesterday as word that George Zimmerman was found not guilty for the murder of Trayvon Martin reached me, I felt…..still…..I didn’t have words.  There are so many nameless emotions that humans can experience and tonight it seemed as if so many of those pulsed through my veins.  What do you call more than sad, more than disappointed, more than mad, more than let down.  So many emotions all at once that numb is really the word.  It brought me immediately back to the Casey Anthony trial.  That case hit home for me because I too was a single mother, I had a daughter the same age and our daughters even shared the same name,  Kaily/Caylee.  I remember sitting in disbelief when they read the Anthony verdict, and again yesterday though not as stunned, perhaps due to the growing consistency of inequity in our judicial system, I was equally as hurt to know that a child is gone and no one will pay the price. 

The first thing I did was silently look across the room at my boyfriend’s fourteen year old son and naturally the what if’s began rolling. How can the parents ever move on in life with a tragic ending to their son’s story.  I also thought of my best friend’s nine year old boy who is fast approaching his teen years.  What does this verdict tell our children about race, about justice, about rights, about this country?  This country has progressed over the past 200 years and so many steps have been taken towards equality, but days like this undermine our progress, knock the wind out of our hope for our children’s futures and spit in the face of so many great leaders both famous and many whose names you will never know and who have worked diligently for the advancement of equality and progression.    

Once the initial sting of the verdict wore off, the lawyer in me began to analyze. I did not follow this case closely like I did the Anthony trial; however, some of the same thoughts crossed my mind.   Though the facts of the case show racial motivation the procedural and legal nuances seem to have had the most effect on the outcome. You see the most difficult thing to digest especially as a young lawyer is understanding the different nuances and intricacies of the human language.  Semantics plays far more of a role than I ever anticipated.  For example, in each case you must know the difference between innocence and not guilty and actual guilt vs. legal guilt.  Innocence being the complete lack of guilt and not guilty meaning the burden of proof has not been met beyond a reasonable doubt.  Here there is a dead child…..innocent was never on the table. So we knew the verdict would be guilty or not guilty.  That doesn’t seem too difficult to analyze but things get more complicated when we analyze actual guilt and legal guilt.  Too many times in our justice system actual guilt doesn’t matter.  It’s what they can or cannot prove and the truth gets lost.

I think this case, like the Anthony case should weigh heavy on the hearts of the prosecution.  They simply did not get the job done.  Each law is made up of elements and the prosecution MUST prove each element of a crime beyond a reasonable doubt. That is the burden of proof set forth by our founders.  Granted it is a high burden and this was done intentionally ironically to protect the citizens.  Sir William Blackstone famously said “It is better for ten guilty men to go free than for one innocent man to suffer”. 

PAUSE. 

Could this have been what he meant?  It is better that a man who killed an unarmed teen should go free because we cannot legally prove every element of a man made statute.  I don’t think so.  The concept and ideology of Blackstone is wise, beyond his years and an intricate theory of law, but the cases of late, especially those coming out of Florida cause me to wonder……could it be possible to overprotect the rights of a citizen?  Have we made our legal system so difficult to navigate that now murderers have such protection under the law it is almost impossible to convict? How many times will we watch children be killed and watch the accused walk out of the court room.  First Casey Anthony and now George Zimmerman.  The system is failing in that regard. 

The legal system will never be 100%.  Guilty people will walk and not guilty people will go to jail.  That is certain; however, a system of justice SHOULD be so effective that it gets the correct outcome most of the time.  In the past I have believed our system accomplishes this outcome.  At one point in our history we desperately needed laws and rights to protect American citizens against unjust prosecution.  These have been important and imperative.  However increasingly, I am beginning to wonder if perhaps the procedures and protections that make up the rights afforded to a person in custody have become so  overly protective that in affording those rights we hinder the pursuit of the exact justice we set forth to protect. 

Lastly, I also wonder if the definition of reasonable doubt was explained thoroughly.  It is not a simple concept.  It wasn’t until I went to law school that I understood what a jury charge was and the definitions of so many legal terms of art we throw around daily.  Did the jury know that some doubt is not reasonable doubt?  If you have SOME DOUBT you can still convict. Not every questionable call casts REASONABLE DOUBT.   

Perhaps at some point there will be solace in knowing that though he walked out of the courtroom a free man he is not free. That day is not today though. The anger the country feels is too raw.  But, Zimmerman’s  life is effectively over no matter what.  He will not live as he did before. He will be subjected to the harsh reality of a world that hates him for the rest of his life.  Whether he feels personal guilt or not the stress and pressure of living in a world against you will eat away at his life until he cannot continue and on that day when he stands before God, the ultimate Judge, HE shall decide the eternal fate of Zimmerman. 

 

 

An Open Letter to Myself

Happiness.  One simple word and yet for many, we undergo such a long and twisting journey to find it.  Last year I turned 30 on a magnificent Cayman Island beach with my beautiful cousin by my side, and as we sat and watched the sunset and the waves crash with a fruity beverage in our hands I can tell you we found happiness.  Who wouldn’t right. Lol. I wrote last year that I was looking forward to the next stage of life and saying goodbye to my twenties.  I still do feel very young, that is until I hang out with a  20 year old then I realize I’m definitely 30. Haha. But nonetheless, I am so much more as a person now than I have ever been before.  I’ve grown in my faith over the last few years and each year I feel God gives me a new and wonderful gift for my birthday.  Over the past 12 months it is very apparent that what God handed me on that beach for my 30^thbirthday was the gift of clarity. 

With that being said I have realized some things to date in my almost 31 years of life that I wish, oh I wish I could tell 18-year old me.  Not that she’d listen, but back then if I could have received a letter from the future there are a few things that may have helped.  I know that can’t happen, but I wanted to write this blog in hopes that maybe someone might stumble across it one day and benefit from the things I learned the hard way. So here we go….

1.       Don’t underestimate the value of your education. Pay attention in school.  Do the work. Take it seriously.  I dismissed college.  I made good grades without doing much work, but in all actuality I wish I had worked harder.  I must have left hundred’s of opportunities on the table because I was simply more concerned with shopping, eating, intramurals and parties.  Education is so important and it is something that no one can ever take from you.

2.       Plan for your future.  68% of women will be single at some point in their life and 50% of women will be single mothers.  Plan ahead.  ALWAYS make sure that you can take care of yourself.  You may never need to, but always make sure you are able to. NEVER depend solely on family, your husband or anyone.  Be responsible for YOU.

3.       Drink less.  Work out more.  Many will be shocked this is coming out of my mouth. Lol.  It’s true I was no stranger to a party, however, I now truly believe that 20 year olds are ½ superhuman.  The things you can do and the things you take for granted at 20 are unbelievable.  Your health and your body are so important as you get older.  Lifting weights and cardio are lifelines.  Take care of your body and eat right because when health fades it fades for good. 

4.       Death is real and you are not immortal.  This kind of goes along with #3, but it’s not until you begin to see people your age die that this really begins to hit home.  God truly watches over the young because when I realize how aimlessly I went through life and when I recall some of the decisions I made never once fearing death….I get chills. 

5.      Live Simply.  Make a list of your wants and needs.  Draw a line in the sand and set up a budget.  Stick to it.  If you can’t get “those shoes” or “that car” who cares.  Realize the difference between having the money for things and truly being able to AFFORD it.  It’s quite different. If you have shoes or handbags that cost over $300 but you don’t have health insurance or a retirement account then I think it’s time to re-evaluate priorities. The handbag won’t be there when you are 65 and tired of working.  I think I truly began to realize this when my daughter was born which brings me to the next thought.

6.       Don’t rush life.  Kids and marriage used to be for 20 something’s but slow down.  It’s a new world.  Hold off until closer to 30 and truly know the person you marry. Rushing in to things is the greatest cause of divorce and single parent households. I see it every day in my profession.  You deserve more and your future kids deserve more. There’s so much to do as a young person and so much life to live before you settle down.  Kids are wonderful.  I truly believe they are why we are put on Earth.  My daughter is beat behind my heart, but I was too young when I had her.  It wasn’t fair to her.  Along with that is when you get married, STAY MARRIED.  Absent abuse or infidelity, DIVORCE should not be an option.  You committed so stay committed.  My friend sent me an article recently that talked about learning to love the person you are with.  Marriage is a partnership for life and just like in business there are ups and downs.  There might be years you do not like who you are with, but work on it.  If both parties give 100% and never stop trying it will work. No one is perfect.  How many of our grandparents got divorced? Exactly. 

7.       Sh*t Happens.  Bad things are going to happen, sometimes really bad things, but NOTHING is impossible to overcome. Nothing.  Freak out for a sec, cry, scream whatever…then begin to move on.  You are not the first person to go through this and there will be help. Figure out the steps back to happiness and no matter how long the road looks take the first step. Don’t forget to breathe…it’s gonna be just fine.  

8.       Family is forever.  Remember that your family will get on your nerves, make you cry, tell you the things you don’t want to hear, tell you things that are flat out rude BUT they are there forever.  Deal with it.  Fix it.  Pray about it.  When your life falls apart and it will fall apart, they will be there.

9.       Karma is real.  I can’t explain it and won’t try, but there comes a point when you begin to stop cutting corners, take care of business and do the right thing life just starts working out.  Be kind to people.  Your ability to get along with almost anyone will take you so far.  Common courtesies are important.

10.  Respect Yourself. Lastly…know and understand that the world is a harsh place and that it is  full of unfair presumptions and judgments.  The BEST way to make people shut up is to make yourself too fabulous for them to look down on.  The looks I got at 22 when I was an unemployed, unwed, single mother of a biracial child…..Think “they” would dare give me those looks now.  This 31 year old unselfemployed, unwed, single mother of a biracial child has made it look amazing.  Keep your own standards high and if people don’t live up to them then that relationship has run it’s course and they have to go.  That will be hard.   But you must stick to it. 

I love sharing these thoughts and welcome any that you may have learned in life.  This makes me very curious as to what 60-year old me would tell 31 year old me today… Can’t wait to find out.

                                                                                                               Forever Learning,

                                                                                                               Dani Marie

The Memory of Me…

I’m gonna share this with my internet world! Hopefully someone can relate!

The days are turning into weeks and weeks to months. It seems like more and more I neglect my poor sweet blogs and don’t seem to have any good reason as to why.  I love writing. It’s one of my favorite things to do.  I think there are a lot of things I love to do that I am increasingly doing less of.  The gym, my blog, high heels, makeup, the city….

My mood as of late has been happy but frustrated.  I have nothing to be upset about.  Wonderful family and boyfriend, excellent job and great friends yet I long for part of who I used to be.  See about 6 months ago I bid farewell to my wonderful 1968 apartment in Memorial and moved into a house in Richmond, Texas with my brother.  The goal of that being to save a down payment and buy a home or condo in Memorial.   Fast forward 6 months and in true ironic fashion, I have my down payment and I’m having a house built in (drum roll please)…………………………………………………Richmond, Texas.

Crickets……WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED! I ask myself this a lot.

Life happened I suppose.  The rapid and ever twisting and turning  circumstances and cause and effects of day to day life seem to have fated me to permanently reside in the burbs…well at least for the foreseeable future.  It’s not something I wanted but just seemed to happen that way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and excited. Building a house is a wonderful thing and I’m blessed beyond all belief to be able to do it.  I’m just trying to figure out the pieces of this new book in my life.  Seems like everything I have been the last few years is vanishing and I’m having to re-define who I am and what I am though I don’t necessarily want to. 

Sometimes I think I’ve lost a step, but then again, maybe my steps are just changing.  I used to go go go one hundred percent of the time. I Now ….well…..I don’t.  I work about 6 hours a day, I am mommy for another 12 hours, I cook dinner, watch tv (something I have NEVER done) and I end up falling asleep with my daughter nightly around 8:30.  I think at one point in my life I would have longed for these times.  I remember crying myself to sleep in law school because I never felt like I had enough time with my daughter.

But I mean seriously…I don’t even wear high heels that often anymore…..C’mon….I gotta get it together….

See suburb living has messed with me….changed me….a lot of me.  I suppose it’s just a consequence of less time. It takes me an hour to get to work.  I used to go home for lunch which I can’t do now so that hour I stay at work and then it takes another hour to get home.  That’s 3 hours a day that have just vanished from my life.  But see that is just part of it.  Old me….go getter me…would morph and find a way to capitalize and change those 3 hours into something productive.  New me…just wastes them.  It’s very frustrating.  And the only person I have to be frustrated with is myself. 

I feel like I’m losing my spark, losing my kick…I need a project, a hobby a purpose.  Don’t get me wrong the lawyering is good.  I’m busy at my 9-5 doing commercial transactions and my divorce practice is going well but I’m bored.  I simply feel lazy. 

My life is so laid back in fact there are times I go into an all-out panic because I am not doing anything.  Life for me has always been one thing to the next and now it seems to have stalled.  Quite frankly it feels….not good.  I need to get back to busy me.  I would love to find something else to do in life.  I need to be more than just a mom and a lawyer.  I need to get back to fitness, get back to sports and get back to just being a part of the world. 

Suburb living has taken its toll and motherhood though a precious gift can make you lose a little of who you are apart from your family.  I was once alive and now I feel like I just live.  I think the mediocrity of suburb life is just not for me but every angle I have tried as of late has not worked out almost as a sign that this is actually where I need to be. 

Perhaps God is trying to tell me the next step is in the burb and I need to wait for it.  Perhaps I should be here for a reason.  Here’s hoping anyway.   I am ready for my house to be built and to have my own space again, my own guests, my own projects, my own thoughts, ideas, jobs, everything. 

I feel confined in my own life as if there are barriers where there never have been.  I can’t even tell you when they got there or who put them there or why I see them now when I have never seen metaphorical barriers in my life! I went to law school while working full time with a 2^nd part time job and a toddler for goodness sake…why now do I feel like I “can’t” do things….

Pray for me peeps…something’s gotta shake!!!! I’m much more awesome than this suburb life has me thinking I am.  BOO!

But please dont think I’m sad! I’m definately not sad! Just voicing feelings that I think a lot of Moms go through. I’m never sad! Just bored!

My Texans Poem (A little corny but whatev)

                          

Happy New Year blog readers! This weekend my heart will be torn in two as my dear Texans face off against my love Tom Brady.  How does a girl with New England heritage and Texas roots proceed…

I’ll tell ya how! She moves forward in a JJ Watt shirt and screaming for her bulls on parade!

Twas the week before the AFC Division game, when all through the city;

Stirred all the Houston believers, mixed with Cowboy haters that we pity;
The cleats of Texans are hung in their lockers with care;
Getting ready for Foxboro, cause they will soon be there;
 

The players are working late nights with their team;

While visions of the Super Bowl dance in their dreams;
KJ rocks her Johnson Jersey and I in my Battle Red;
Will settle on the couch to watch our team knock’em dead;

Brady should be worried because Watt is making a clatter;

With 81 tackles and 20 sacks he’s cause a lot of chatter;
If I could go to New England , I’d get there in a flash;
Hop off of the plane and throw on a field pass!;

The cold temperatures are awaiting , with possible snow;
And at midday in New England, Houston will be screaming “Let’s Go”!;
When what to my wondering eyes should appear;
But a Texans  D-line that most teams would fear!;

Then emerges from the sideline someone handsome but a bit shady;

I knew in a flash, it must be TOM BRADY!;
But more rapid than eagles the Texans they came!;
And we’ll whistle and shout and we’ll call them by name!;

Go Johnson, Go Foster, Go Daniels, Go Tate!;

Go Reed, Go Schaub, Go Watt and Go Yates! ;
To the end of the field, to the end zone we go;
Now drive those patriots right into the snow!!!;

 It will surely be tough as the Texans push to their limits;

And try not to lose the game in the first 5 minutes!;

So up to New England the Texans are rushing;

With Foster head of that department,  the results will be crushing;

 

The Texans don’t fear Gillete stadium with no roof;

Because the Bulls on Parade are pawing their hoofs;

The Pats will draw in their playbooks but when they turn around;

Down the field, Foster rushes to the end zone with a bound;

 

We’ll be dressed in red, white and blue from out head to our cleats;

We’ll have stains of grass and blood before we settle for defeat! ;

A bundle of tricks we have in our sack and;
We’ll look angry and viscous right before we attack;

His eyes how they twinkle and his dimples how merry;

Okay I need to focus because number twelve’s  married!;

Ok back to the Texans, we all want New England flattened;

And to leave sweet Tom Brady saying “WATT just happened?”;

 

 So let’s all throw watch parties and invite your whole crew;

C’mon Romo and Bryant there’s room for you too!;

We’ll leave all the north speechless as we head out of sight;

Have a great week all my Texans fans and too all a Good Night!;

 

Summer’s Thoughts

Hello my beautiful blog!! It’s been so long since I’ve been able to write! My absence is due mostly because I took the majority of the summer to unplug from the world and take a break from learning things.  I spent a lot of (whoop whoop) family time with my amazing inner circle and pretty much just focused on trying to become a better mother, sister, daughter, girlfriend, baby momma, friend, Christian and attorney.  Those are in no specific order.  I suppose the jury is still out on whether or not any of those were accomplished but I will say I have learned soooooo much about myself in my attempt to not learn anything at all.  Go figure!

First, it is very clear to me now that my young adult days are over.  I say this with a smile and a tear.  I think about all the fun I’ve had since college and the invincible mindset I had in my youth.  There is a certain irony in how great the feeling of life is when you live it oblivious to the fact that your actions could cause serious detriment to your future and the gut clenching OMG moment you have when you look back on those days once you’ve realized your invincibility never was real.    Truly the ridiculous shenanigans of college and my twenties have left incredibly fond memories and many stomach turning ones as well.  I laughed hard, I cried hard. I cringe when I think one day my daughter will be doing making some of my same mistakes, but surely she will be far smarter than me…of course she will… ;).  I do have a small amount of sadness in knowing life will never be like that again. At the same time when I’m invited to join my friends on excursions with a high probability of mostly innocent/probably legal but sure to be fun nights, I instinctivly give my regrets for not being able to attend.   While my mature adult life is definitely more dull when parties and night life are concerned, the thought of putting myself in an environment that could cause me to have my life taken, my child not with me, me not with my child, my job lost, my bar card taken or anything similar….is just too much to risk.  These are thoughts I would have NEVER pondered in my 20’s and a sure sign of age.  My favorite things these days are dinner parties with girlfriends, Saturdays I spend hanging (sipping frozen fruity pick me ups) with my Aunt and my cousins and Sundays I spend eating and watching football with my peeps. 

                So Secondly I have learned that while I’m sad to see my 20’s go, I love my 30’s even more.  Though responsibility plays a much greater role and my outlook on life has changed from one of invincibility to fragility the joy and fun I get from family is so much greater than any joy I have ever experienced in life.  I LIVE to wake up to these certain two little brown eyes. My daughter is absolutely the closest thing to me in life.  I feel physical pain when I am not with her.  That might possibly be unhealthy, but nevertheless, that is how it is.  She has taught me much in life but most recently she has taught me resilience and how perfect imperfection is on both our parts.    She is now in second grade and I have had to make some tough calls about where we live and her schooling.  Though she was uprooted from all that was comfortable to her she has been so great at just going with the flow.  It is definitely a heavy burden to bear when you have someone look at you with 100% dependence and trust.  I live and make decisions for her.  That is so scary at times.  I re-live past decisions over and over.  Everything from law school and student loans, to the decision to work, to the decision not to work, her schools, her friends, my schools, my friends, just everything…… and sometimes I wish I had done some things differently , but as they say hindsight is 20/20.  I frequently wish that I had been smarter.  We have also faced new struggles together as of late, only this time on opposite sides of the fence.  “Kaily v. Mommy” has become a reoccurring theme and that has had its challenges.  Watching her grow, learn, make wrong decisions, recover and move on has made me so proud of her.  I hope that she will always know that there has been no other happiness in my life that can even remotely compare to the joy I have had raising her.  Life for me truly did not begin until the moment she took her first breath.  I welcome the day that we add to our little twosome because we both have so much love to give. 

On that note….lol. I spent much of the summer with my wonderful and amazing boyfriend whom I cannot say enough great things about.  He has taught me my third lesson of the summer.  It’s that I’m always right. Lol…KIDDING J.  It’s about control.   I have always had a “handle everything myself” kind of mentality.  Sometimes situations have warranted me to be this way and sometimes my behavior has been such simply because it was what I was used to and what I trusted.  If something was going to fail it would fail at my own hand.  I’ve had a very “Superwoman” mentality 24/7.   This characteristic can be difficult to change, however, slowly but surely he is proving to me that it is okay to share life’s burdens.  Superwoman doesn’t have to be a 24/7 job. And that is a hard thing for someone who has lived my life to trust in.  I’m not sure he’ll ever know the depths of which that realization alone has changed my life.    

The fourth change has come by and through my boyfriend as well, though more indirectly.  His 12-year old son was in town for the entire summer.  Oh Boy…and I mean that literally. Lol.  I knew NOTHING about a 12-year old boy.  I had never dated anyone with a child and all of this was completely foreign to me.  I had so much anxiety and so many concerns but most of all ummm….…. What if he hates me?  In reality, it didn’t take long at all for us all to mesh and begin one of the best summers ever.  I watched he and KJ play, argue, share, not share and it made me smile.  I watched him smile at the simplest of things like getting taco bell for dinner and having a family game night.  I saw my family embrace him and I saw his family embrace KJ.  And it made me happy.  We had a wonderful summer full of basketball, games, food and jokes.  It was very hard to see him leave when it was time.  L

When I started this blog I said I spent the summer focusing on family.  So, lastly, I have learned that family is only half made up of the people you were born with and the other half is who those people bring to you.  My ever growing inner circle is full of people who are not blood related, yet and still, they are family.  My brother was recently married and each year his wife’s family is becoming more and more mine.  My dad has remarried and and so has my mother.  My stepdad joined us 8 years ago and brought my step brother who has added an interesting mix to the “characters” we already have.  My other brother has a new girlfriend and as I have said I have a boyfriend who has added about 10-15 new faces that I see routinley throughout my week.  I have also spent much of this year with my wonderful friends Beverly and Missy who are more like sisters to me now than they have ever been.  My blogs of late have had a reoccurring theme, life is a gift.  I think each year I see a few more people buried, young and old, which makes all these family faces become so much more significant.  Sitting by people on their deathbed sparks an interesting thought.  When you are in the room with someone who is days, hours or minutes away from death, look around. It’s typically not their parents in the room with them.  Sometimes their brothers and sisters present, but those people have likely already passed.  No it’s their husbands and wives, sons and daughters, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.  That’s who’s in the room.    So when I take a time out and step onto life’s timeline I realize at some point I won’t be the one sitting at people’s bedsides.  I’m at the time in my life when I will begin meeting the people that will be at mine….though at 30 this stage is only just beginning for me, it is definitely beginning. 

If you will notice, in this blog, I didn’t say much about work, law school, the practice of law, or taking over the world.  Topics that only two or three years ago would have filled my daily convo and my Facebook page (I must have been soooooooooo annoying).  I’ve learned that at one time taking over the world and educating myself beyond belief was a great plan and I’d still like to do a little bit of those things, though I think I’ll just take over less of it. I enjoy my time at home where I have reached the status of Certified Monster Killer! (You can only get it after you have turned on the hall light about 55,000 times at 2a.m.)  In a sign of times I’m going to quote something I heard on a reality TV.  When life is over, “no one ever says I wish I would have worked harder or I wish I would have made more money”.  What people do overwhelmingly say is that they wish they’d had more time with the people they loved.  So this summer I took some time. 

The New Modern Family. How I back the Church, Chick-Fil-a and support Gay Marriage

Over the past few weeks I have probably written 4 drafts of this blog….all of which I’ve ended up deleting.  It’s  very uncharacteristic  for me, but I’ve been struggling with my words.  More than that I’ve been struggling to understand what my actual thoughts are and I was apprehensive and fearful that those thoughts  may not be understood, or even worse, that it may be clearly understood and  just extremely unpopular.  For that reason I would write…and write…and delete and delete.  I’ve thought to attempt another however; my thoughts on gay marriage continue to come.  The issue is constantly in the headlines and last week Chick-Fil-A’s founder felt the need to express his anti-gay marriage views publically once again showing how chaotic this country can get with religion and pop culture clash.  It finally came to me recently that the reason I have been struggling with the issue of whether or not I support gay marriage is because I have been approaching it wrong.  I have been taking a very all or nothing approach when really there are two very separate lines of thinking that should take place. Keep reading (please) so I can explain. 

Chick-Fil-A has announced that the company’s views on gay marriage are founded in Christian values and that he (the founder) does not believe that gay people in America should be given the opportunity to get married.  Additionally, he feels that we are inviting the wrath of God upon our nation (long pause) ….or something to that effect.  His opinion has sparked much controversy and the country has divided and taken sides almost equally.  Former republican nominee Rick Santorum has backed Chick-fil-a tweeting that he was enjoying a dinner there with his sons, while the City of Chicago has halted plans to open one near the town’s Logan Square stating “Chick-fil-a’s view s are not the same as the views of Chicago”.  Much has been made of this announcement and as gay marriage is a hot topic issue in the 2012 Presidential Campaign I believe much more is to come. 

At the center of the issue are the religious teachings surrounding traditional marriage and what the bible depicts as a Christian family. The Christian view are those that believe that marriage should stay the way God depicts it in the Bible and that the Bible shows the way God intended his people to be.  This view obviously believes that marriage is between a man and a woman.  Clashing with this is the increasingly popular view among society that marriage is between any two persons who wish to be married i.e. man to a man, man to a woman, woman to a woman.  I have thought through this issue 1,000 times and finally I know where I stand.  You see I would sit at church and listen to Pastor Paul preach about biblical marriage and I think…YES…AMEN… This is what I want for myself and praise God for the wonderful blessing and gift of marriage.  I realize I totally 100% believe in the biblical depiction of marriage.  Don’t I? I mean….leaving church I definitely do, but then I see the everyday people in my life….family members, close friends…that are gay…and therein lies the issue.  I love these people…they are great people….some I have known were gay since before they did.  They did nothing wrong.  How on Earth can I back denying rights to a class of people…  I can’t.  This has been the struggle.

Then recently it came to me.  What on Earth does a Religious view have to do with a Secular Law? I have tried to wrap my mind around this but perhaps my generation is too groomed with the separation of church and state and acceptance and coexisting that we just can’t see things the way our grandparents do.  I grew up with a girl who is now a conservative Republican named Missy.  I clearly am not a conservative Republican.  As I have noted many times am a left leaning moderate. Yet and still with our vastly different views on things we are always able to see and understand the others views on life and issues. I’m by no means saying she feels the way I do on this issue…I actually have no clue what she thinks, but nonetheless…We  joke that if we ran the world together it would be fixed in 48 hours.  Lol.  You see if she and I can understand the way our world works and listen to each other and find a common ground of fairness, why is it so difficult for everyone else?

I am a Christian woman.  I believe in God, I attend church, I love and respect Pastor Paul  Clines at First United Methodist Church and I wholeheartedly attempt to adhere to what he teaches me about the bible and who and what God wants me to be. That being said, many things that I believe morally are not against the law if those rules are broken.  For instance, I was not married when I had my daughter.  Religiously, I am immoral and 1,000 years ago could have been killed for my actions, denied all my rights and had my life taken and probably have my child killed as well.  But we as a society over time decided that we were not going to adhere to that.  And thank God for that (no pun intended).  You see while my actions may not be moral they are not illegal.  I have had no rights taken from me and no rights taken from my daughter.  We have done away with all laws in that regard because they are oppressive.  MYsin is between me and my God and that was something I had to sort through and come to terms with, pray about etc.  It had nothing to do with the opinions of the outside world or what anyone thought of me. 

To me this makes so much more sense.   I can believe as a Christian woman that marriage is between a man and a woman and in my own life adhere to that.  At the same time I can believe in and support gay people as they fight for equality.  Gay marriage should be legal in the United States.  Being gay is not what I want for myself and it is not what I want for my daughter.  I also don’t want my daughter to have a child out of wed-lock but it is not something for the government to criminalize or use to deny people civil rights to live their life as they choose.  The separation of church and state is a MUSTfor a prosperous nation.  I believe strongly in that.  Who you want to marry is a personal decision and if you make that decision you live with it and comes to terms with it in your own life and on your own time.  The same way I did when I had my child unmarried.

Another example…. There was a time when marrying someone of another race was illegal.  There are people in this world who still do not believe in interracial marriage.  The Freedom of Speech gives them every right to believe it, say it, scream it, write it.  Feel free! Because though some people don’t want interracial marriage in their own life it does not bar the rest of us from marrying who we please no matter what race they are if we do so please.  We do not have any less legal of a marriage and not a single different civil right. 

You can believe in your house and in your religion what you want but that does not equate to keeping others from believing in and attaining their own rights and civil liberties. 

If my daughter grows up to be gay I will not love her any less nor do I think less of anyone who is gay.  All people should be treated civilly and the SAME.  The same way I do not think less of those who have children unmarried.  It is not my place to decide who someone can love or how they spend their life. 

This country was founded on the basis of freedom.  Just as I am free to marry a man and be a Christian and eat where I want and say what I want the next person is free to think I’m dumb for it.  They can be Muslim, or Hindu, black, white,  gay or atheist or anything they want to be.  No one has to listen to me and I don’t have to listen to others.  Tolerance and coexistence are the basic principles of the United States of America.  People escape oppressive nations to come here….to be free.  This nation needs to look back at its past and realize that we have prospered when we leave people alone and let them live as they want to live.  You don’t have to agree with others decisions or run your life in that way.  No one cares what you think! But with that being said it works the other way too.   I’m not mad at Chick-Fil-A. In my personal life I agree with them.  They can think what they want.  Say what they want.  The market will determine their outcome.  The difference in the United States from other countries is that if we don’t like something a company does we can stop spending our money there.  Hit them in the pockets.   No one has to adhere to what they think or fund their initiatives.   

My biggest issue with the religious argument regarding gay marriage is that Marriage today does not have the same benefits as marriage did at its creation.  Marriage today means health insurance, death benefits, Veteran benefits, inheritance, rights of survivorship, social security benefits and a number of other federal benefits that have been created and enacted by MAN not by God.  So if a man and a man love each other and they wish to be married and acquire their own little bundle of rights then they should be free to do so.  It does not make me less of a Christian to believe in that and believe in the bible at the same time. 

 Jesus dined with all people so to think that my God loves a gay person any less than a woman with child out of wedlock makes no sense to me. 

We are all sinners and we all have our own issues to sort out in our own relationships with God.  Oppressing the rights of others because we don’t believe in the things they believe in is not what this country or my religion teaches.    And like it or not…those are my inside thoughts!

UPDATE: The Stranger that I Can’t Forget

Many of you have read my blog on Thomas O’Brien that I wrote last month.  Thomas was a 21 year old deputy that was fighting terminal cancer.  He took his last breath Sunday morning at 9:00 am with his mother and father by his side.  The last few weeks were very painful for him.  If you would like to make a donation to the Thomas O’Brien Foundation you can get details for that at the link below. Please send thoughts and prayers to his mother Debbie Koenig and the rest of the O’Brien/Harmon/Koenig family. 

For more information on The Thomas O’Brien Foundation see the link

https://www.facebook.com/TheThomasOBrienFoundation

Thomas O’Brien: The Stranger That I Can’t Forget

Thomas O’Brien: The Stranger That I Can’t Forget

Since I was old enough to understand Cancer I have always been haunted by it.  Though millions beat it, in my mind it equates to death and when I hear the word my heart drops and my body fills with fear.  In the back of my mind there is always an apprehension and trepidation that this silent killer could be hiding in my body, only to one day to rear it’s ugly and unforgiving head and turn my life upside down.  I’ve often thought of my future and wondered if when I’m 40 or 50 or 60 will I be someone like so many I’ve seen that are faced with fighting this disease.  We hear about people battling cancer everyday.  I doubt anyone can say they don’t know someone that has had it.  But we rarely think it will be us….  Because you see, no one ever envisions when they are 20 that they will die at 40.  Everyone thinks that they will live a long life and die of old age.  The end is not something we dwell on or think about daily.  In fact I think many just prefer to not think about it.  When I do sit and think that one day I won’t walk this Earth ….I get chills. And when I go to funerals I am shaken for weeks.  I cannot walk on the grounds of a cemetery without having a panic attack and when I wonder when and where I’ll die it leaves me uneasy and almost breathless.  It wasn’t until my grandfather passed four years ago that heaven began to feel a little less enchanted or mystical and slightly more tangible.  At least I will know someone there when the time comes. 

But what if at 18 years old you were bludgeoned with the news that Cancer has appeared in your young body.  Hodgkin’s Lymphoma to be exact.  And what if after the fight of your young life, it’s the end of the twelfth round and the bell is ringing, but the crowd is not cheering because when the points are tallied the score cards show you losing, and death is now knocking at your door.  Your CT scans returned covered in black dots and your medical insurance is no longer being accepted.  At just 21 years old, that is the harsh reality that Thomas O’Brien has lived and continues to face.  Even as I type this blog, he is in ICU at MD Anderson fighting his brave fight.  You see he lives with what until recently has been my biggest fear.  He goes through every single day not knowing if it will be his last.  He looks the end of life in the face daily and makes the best of it.  He enters the hospital doors more frequently now and surely he must wonder each time he walks through them if he will ever get to feel the sunlight hit his skin and the wind across his face again.  He is a Lamar High School Graduate and a Houston Police Officer who just recently became a deputy.  I think to be forced to face such a dark and scary truth at such a young age is so unfair.  I have never cried more tears for a complete stranger than I do for this young man.  

You see when I was 18 I was playing basketball and wrecking cars.  When I was 22 I was graduating college, falling in love and having a baby.  These are things that Thomas will never get to do and things that he will never be able to experience.  And thinking of that also made me realize something else.  Since Thomas will never have kids he will never understand the level of love that exists between a parent and child.  I said above, that Thomas’ story is now my second biggest fear.  Because the only thing worse than something like this happening to me would be it happening to my daughter.  I have tears streaming down my face just thinking about it.  How would one go on? I cannot begin to wonder how his mother is doing, watching her son lose weight, feel sick, have tumors burst in his chest and deteriorate before her eyes and know there is nothing she can do.  I pray for her every night and pray I never know what she feels like.

Thomas had a goal of reaching 5,000 facebook friends.  This is really how I began to actually see his daily struggle and understand his courage.  I added him about 2 weeks ago and he had about 287 friends.  He reached the 5,000 mark today and has brought thousands of people together to pray for him.  He posts pictures a lot.  He is thin and frail.  Hundreds of posts are left daily and most are well wishes and words of encouragement.  I can only imagine what he thinks when he reads them. I think it would be a constant reminder of ..well just everything….idk.   He is always smiling though. If our God has any miracles to give today there are thousands praying that Thomas is the one that receives one. Yet through it all Thomas has faith and says he has accepted the Lords path.  Truly a remarkable young person whose life is being cut way too short. 

His story has left me feeling so awful….so helpless… It is just so unfair.  Please pray for Thomas and pray for his parents.  I wrote this blog because I just can’t stop thinking about him and his story.  It bothers me to no end.  Above everything else live and love as if there is no tomorrow, because those with an uncertain tomorrow only wish they had the days that you do.  From here on out, I doubt there will be a single day of my life that I don’t think about his story…however long my life may be.